i love vampire diaries!

i needed to post this video somewhere. i love this show and the actors and actresses in it are phenomenal. They should be more well known!

http://neenz-the-vision.us/videos/184/beauty-and-the-beast-d-e

thankful

i wanted to make a “what i am thankful for” post.

1. this may be cliche and all but i am thankful for my family. every single member. Without them, i would be a completely different person. Some people can’t say that they see all their aunts and uncles more than once a day. i can say that i do. i love my big arab family. they are my life.

2. i am thankful for the other people in my life who got me away from my family, not in a bad way. i am thankful for colleen, she opened my eyes to so many other (american) things in life.

3. i am thankful for music. gets me through so much in my life. it carries me through everything, the good, the bad.

4. i am thankful for my dad. just my dad. the things he does for his family is amazing. i hope to be like him one day.

5.i am thankful for shoes. they make things a lot better.

6.i am thankful for trident layers gum. saves me from stuffing my face with junk food

7. i am thankful for books. god knows i need those to escape everyday routine of life.

8.i am thankful for the gift of living in america and having a huge amount of opportunities wherever i decide to go.

 

thats is for now.

maybe if i think of more i’ll add some.

-me

it’s been quite awhile..

hi everyone.

i know its been quite awhile but i guess somehow you get caught up in life and forget about writing about it and remembering it. you’re just living i guess. but i had this blog bookmarked on my browser and clicked it and saw the post i had from almost ONE YEAR AGO. i am in such a different place now. i’m back to english and i am totally engrossed into my classes and i’m loving it.

 

thats all for now. i will try to write some more later

-me

courage.

hi world

sorry its been so long. the last couple of weeks/days have been a bit crazy with my cousins bachelorette party and what not. I’ve been thinking a lot lately too. and a lot of  my thinking has to do with what my next couple steps in my life are going to be. i think i have to start molding my own future and making things happen. i think that its about time i just collected all the courage i have and just go for things i want. i usually dont do things like this or let me restate that, i havent done this in awhile. i’ve been so cautious lately well for the past 2 years almost and now i’m getting sick and tired of being in the bleachers. i want to play the game, goddamit!!

i have these scenarios in my head and i’m just so nervous. i’m hoping i can keep my courage flowing because what i’m planning on doing isnt going to easy on my heart. lol. 

i’ll keep you guys updated <3

coming together

so i finally feel like my life is coming together. i finally feel like i’m heading into the right direction and it feels great. now its time to get the other parts of my life together. i feel super motivated and pumped .

relief in an unexpected way…

So i dropped the whole premed deal. I dropped chemistry. i dropped the major major amounts of money i would have been making if i stuck with this choice. and why you may ask?? because i won’t be happy. i won’t be doing it for the right reasons and in the end i’ll be cheating myself out of ten precious years of my life. 

so i’m regrouping, starting a new army, making a new extreme makeover team and redirecting my life in coordinance with my interests! oh the horror! who wouldve thought you can actually do that? do something you love and have it be ok?? not me …. until now. it took a lot of thinking, alot of tears  ( i was a mess on monday) and without my other half i would probably be stuck. but i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m going to become a business major, major in managment and eventually, god willing, i’ll open up my own business, whatever it may be. 

one thing i learned and that i believe everyone should realize is that you can force yourself to love something but in the end no matter how hard you put up that million dollar smile, you are crushed from the inside. your head is giving you stop signs but you keep going because its what you “like” and want to do. you have to learn to step back from the situation and kinda smack urself in the head and say what the hell am i doing?? you have to be able to not BE AFRAID. don’t be scared to not know where you’re heading in life. dont be afraid that what you finally decided to do gives you major panic exciting butterfly attacks in your stomach everytime you think about it. dont be afraid to step out of what other people want from you and do what you want to do. dont be scared to take control of your fucking life! wow i sound liek a really bad self-improvement book or something haha.

but i’m not just talking about school and work and what you end up doing with your life. i’m also talking about social life. you have to apply the same kind of mindset for your relationships and hopeful relationships. you can’t just sit back and hope that somehow through the grace of the buddhist gods, that that cute guy is gonna come up to you and talk to you  and fall in love with you and buy you an amazing diamond ring and you’re gonna live happily ever after. WRONGGGGG. you gotta get off ur ass and approach him, put yourself out there, and do what you need to do to be happy, which is the ultimate goal.. now isnt it???

decisions, decisions

today was the basically the day from hell. I wake up and i know that i have my chemistry and calculus exams to take. Now, i’ve been studying for chemistry all weekend. I go and take chemistry and oh boy was it hard. Actually let me rephrase that, it wasnt hard. It was exactly what we were supposed to know but we barely had enough time and they don’t let us use our normal calculators. I was so flustered. The questions are hard. They arent easy in the least bit. And so i got discouraged. I’m starting to rethink my reasons for becoming a doctor.

Its not because i can’t handle the pressures. but its the questions of do i think that the goal of all this madness is worth it. Am i willing to study for basically the rest of my life so that i can become a doctor? will i be happy? Do i really want to be in school for that long amount of time? 

I mean i was an english major and i thought i loved english. but then the reason i changed to biology was because i have a better future with biology. But i love writing i love photography. I love reading and analyzing stories. Where did that passion of mine go? Why did i choose the analytical side over what i really genuinely love? 

I dont know what i’m going to do. I mean i can’t rush. I have to really sit down and figure out what i want to do. I feel like i want to do something where i will love to go to work everyday. I dont know what that job is going to be. Its going to be hard to figure this one out. I’m already in my third year of college i mean how long is it going to take for me pick what i want to do??

butterflies in my stomach.

looking at you

i get those drugged up butterflies in my stomach

they’re flying around in there all crazy

going left or right, colliding into each other

causing sparks to electrify all the way to my 

heart.

I’m looking at you

and those butterflies are trying to get out 

trying to set themselves free

trying to tell you whats going on in my body

trying to get it all out in the open.

But when you look at me

you would never know those butterflies 

even existed.

wish you did.

One of those sweatpants days.

Frustration epitomizes my mood for the day. I’m just so sick of certain things in my life. A couple of the things are my weight. I’ve been so up and down in the past couple years and i can NEVER keep the weight off. I just love going out to eat and i really lose myself while i’m doing it. i’m not ashamed to admit it. But, at some point i really just have to stop daydreaming and stuffing my face and think about my health. I’m not yearning to be stick thin, i actually think it would be physically impossible for me to get super skinny but i jsut want to be at a weight where i can love my body and love what i’m wearing and not have to resort to my fat jeans because its the only  thing thats fitting me at the moment. Its also a confidence boost. I dont think i lack confidence but being comfortable in my body wouldnt exactly hurt either.

I really have to find that certain motivation to just go for it. I know they say you cant do things for other people and succeed. So i guess i have to be selfish and do it essentially for myself and no one else. It makes sense but its the action thats always the hardest. I think i should jsut take it day by day and not overwhelm myself. Thats what i tend to do, overwhelm myself. what a horrible thing.

Another thing i’m frustrated by is that things are never as easy as i want them to be and i mean i get that. I get that you can’t just go up to that special person and confess your love to them and everything will be fucking dandy. It doesnt work that way and if it does than, well i’m sorry to say, that relationship wont last long i.e my last relationship. I understand you have to work for what you want and you have to put yourself out there so you can swept off your feet but what if theres no one in sight?? what the hell do you do then? i’m sick of thinking up these perfect things to say and waiting for the perfect time to say them. I’m sick of being overly optimistic. I’m wasting my time. 

wow i dont mean to sound so ridiculously emo but i guess its coming out that way. I feel like all i do is wait for prince charming to come around the corner and sweep me off my feet but he got lost or got distracted by some other girl with bigger boobs or a smaller ass. I need that prince charming that is flawed, that isnt absolutely perfect, but has a kickass personality and really connects with me. Ill accept flaws because everyone has them i mean i just wrote the first half of the blog all about my flaws. Its normal.

But what frustrates me is when i see an opportunity and i see it happening. I can see it clearly but i can’t do anything about it. its like squeezing a soaked towel and you never get all the water out. you squeeze and squeeze but you cant get anywhere. i feel like i’m running around in circles with this blog entry, lol i hope it makes sense :/

ok well i’m off to fend off hours of chemistry studying. oh why did i choose to become a doctor? lol

Perfect Scenarios floating in my head.

So all day today i was thinking about what i’m going to write about in my blog. haha “my blog” sounds so official. Today was one of those days where i woke up  and then i went back to sleep, woke up late, rushed to class and basically ran around the whole day. I never took a second to just relax and look around. It’s like i havent even realized its become autumn.The leaves have changed and they’re all over the ground and it’s getting really cold! It’s amazing how engrossed in your life you can be and not realize whats going on around you. I’m going to try to be more aware regardless of how much i have going on in my head.

You know when there’s something chewing you up inside and you want to tell someone or you’re dying to just get it out in the open and you just can’t find the right opportunity. No matter how much you set up the perfect scenario in your head, it never actually happens? But you continue to stay optimistic because being pessimistic is ten times worse. Well, i’ve been feeling like this lately. Theres something i want to say to someone so bad but the opportunity is just not coming and its frustrating. But I think if something/someone is worth it you just keep holding on to that perfect scenario and when you get the chance, which i believe will happen eventually, you do what you’ve been picturing in your head. Now it may not be exactly how you pictured it. They may not react like you want them too. But you leave the situation with the satisfaction that you did do what you wanted to do and thats always rewarding and empowering. 

Everyone who is reading this, set up a perfect scenario in your head. What would you like to say to that secret crush? or a coworker? or your boss!? What would you like to happen the next time you’re at a bar? try to play out your perfect scenarios, start with the notion that it’s not going to be exactly as you imagined but it’s just fun to try it out and see where things end up. Take risks in your life. I know i definitely don’t take enough. we only live once or so they say..

thats it’s for tonite. i’m off to do my calculus work. gnite world <3